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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161038">The Bat Tales</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skaelds/pseuds/Skaelds'>Skaelds</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempt at Humor, Bad Puns, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack Treated Seriously, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Humor, Pining, The Joker thinks he's very funny but he's not, Time Travel, kind of</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:35:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161038</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skaelds/pseuds/Skaelds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Joker and Bruce stumbled upon a strange artifact after demolishing the roof of an antique store, they didn't expect to face a genie and find themselves back in the Middle Ages.<br/>Much less having to go through different eras until their "wish" is granted. The question remains as to what this famous wish is. </p><p>Featuring a bat with grumpy as his middle name and a clown who should have chosen another career.</p><p>“Sometimes, Batsy, i’m really wondering If this career is suiting me” the Joker complained with a sigh. “I could have been a star on Broadway, a prima ballerina, a singer in a rock band. And look at us, we’re two adult guys in a costume chasing each other at nights.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warning : this is by no means a serious fiction, it's just to make you smile and have a soft story when you want to relax, so please judge it that way haha, I'm not used to write such light things so... enjoy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>☰☰☰</p><p>
  <em>Chapter One</em>
</p><p>☰☰☰</p><p> </p><p>Bruce was seriously thinking about murder.</p><p>It was a charming notion, after all. The word alone had a delightful consonance, rolled over the tongue, two fast, effective syllables: evocative. It was an idea that repelled some and delighted others (as Blackgate's full cells could testify) and generally left him with a bitter taste on the tongue.</p><p>But not today.</p><p>Today he was beginning to seriously consider the idea.</p><p>A normal reader would have asked why. After all, he was supposed to embody the very image of morality, incorruptibility and justice. He was Batman, for God's sake. It was a name that provoked respect, fear. But this infallible morality was beginning to be painfully tested.</p><p>The reason resembled very strongly to a man of a little more than six feet tall, of unknown weight, age and name, but with a nickname that was relatively popular in the community. He had a tailor-made purple suit, hair as green as the acid in which he had dived, drug-white skin and an absolutely unbearable laugh.</p><p>The <em>reason</em> was actually laughing in his face right now.</p><p>“He-he-he-he!<em> Harder</em>! I know you can do it, that’s the, ah <em>no not the face</em>- the credo after all! Everyone can do it; everyone can do anything! How joyful is it!” The Joker laughed frantically, jumped back to avoid his fist.</p><p>How this man could talk, joke, laugh and fight at the same time will remain forewer as one of the mysteries of the universe, he suddenly thought, throwing another punch at him.</p><p>This time he reached him, hitting him on the chin and causing him to fall backwards. The Joker burst out laughing, barely having time to massage his chin with an impressed look that Bruce was already on top of him, grabbing him by the collar.</p><p>"<em>Where did you put the bomb?"</em> Bruce roared, shaking the clown as if he was just a life-size puppet.</p><p>"That would be telling! I'm not a snitch, Batsy-dear! I'm ah-" he huffed, stopping abruptly when a drop of blood came out of his nostrils. He passed one hand between Bruce's hands, resting on his shoulder, to wipe his nose, snorting as he resumed confusedly: “What was I saying ?”</p><p> “<em><strong>THE BOMB</strong></em>!”</p><p>Bruce grabbed him by the neck, squeezing while the other struggled, clapping his grip with his hands as if to make him let go. A sudden pain in his flank made him let go of him, making a sound of protest -</p><p>The Joker dropped his dagger, falling to the ground with a Cling! that rattled.</p><p>Bruce roared, threw himself on him to make him fall. He must had miscalculated the weight of the roof because when they collapsed on their backs, a heavy crack made them freeze. He had one hand nailed around the Joker's throat, another in the air and they both exchanged a panicked look.</p><p>At least he hoped that his own would only reflect the impassivity of his soul.</p><p>“Looks like you shouldn’t have eaten all those lunches he-he-he-he!”</p><p>Bruce punched him. There was another crack.</p><p>And then they fell.</p><p>They went through the roof, his heart leaping out of his chest as gravity recalled itself to them, collapsed with a pile of dust and wood on the ground. They hit him with a thud, a rain of dust suddenly flooding them.</p><p>The two men remained silent for a few seconds, stunned by the shock.  All his bones had to be broken, Bruce thought without the slightest exaggeration. He tried to outline a movement, grimaced in pain, let his head fall back to the ground. It was a pretty comfortable place for a nap, let's all be. If we ignored the murdering clown just inches from his face and the sticks collapsed on top of him. Minor details.</p><p>“Sometimes, Batsy, i’m really wondering If this career is suiting me” the Joker complained with a moan. “I could have been a star on Broadway, a prima ballerina, singer in a rock band. And look at us” he added, getting up with difficulty by leaning up on his forearms. He sighed, replaced a strand of rebellious hair behind his ear. “We’re two adult guys in a costume chasing each other at nights.”</p><p>Bruce groaned, not in the mood to listen to his talk and got up just as hard, wiping the dust off his suit. The other could be an osteopath for all he cared.</p><p>“How romantic!” the Joker suddenly beamed.</p><p>Bruce looked down immediately, rolling his eyes as he noticed that their landing on the ground had formed a coarse heart in the dust. He shook his head and glanced around.</p><p>What in the seven heavens was this place?</p><p>He frowned, taking a step forward as the Joker jumped around. It looked like... It felt like he was in an antique store. That was it. The place seemed to have been abandoned for ages, but the trinkets were still on display. There was dust everywhere and various objects were mingled together.</p><p>Bruce looked around the room, spotting no less than four stuffed falcons, crystal balls, casino chips, a slot machine, a typewriter, and even a metal shield. The owner must have been out of business, he thought, slipping a finger over the falcon's feathers in front of him.</p><p>A thud made him suddenly turn around, and he saw the Joker, a falsely contrite grimace on his face and a shattered crystal ball at his feet.</p><p>“Oops. It was ugly anyway.”</p><p>Bruce sighed, quickly considered the idea of forcing a confession out of him. Except that there was a slight problem, he was sure he had broken at least his wrist and was in no mood for another fist fight.</p><p>Quickly deciding, he grabbed the Joker's wrists, handcuffed them together, and ignored the "Kinky" noticed out loud. The first thing he had to do was to find out where they had landed and they would be leaving for Arkham within a minute. Leaving him free to find out where the other had planted his damn bomb.</p><p>He took a few steps forward, pulling the clown behind him, his eyebrows frowning even more. In spite of the dirt and the abandonment of the place, it seemed strange to him that the owner had just left his stock like that. Even in the case of a death, the stuff was recovered by the police.</p><p>And the GCPD may not be perfect, but they knew how to handle such cases.</p><p>“<em>Falcons, falcons, falcons</em>, seems to me that someone had quite the fascination with those little beasts. I don’t see the appeal. If I wanted some funny pets, I would choose something that don’t make any sense.” The Joker blurted, unscrewing his neck to see each of the objects in this strange museum. “Like the Goblin shark, a truly <em>terrifying</em> thing. Worse than Jumbo before his first coffee, I tell you. Or the Tufted deer, who thought it could be great to mix vampires and stags? No sense of originality around here.”</p><p>That was why some people should get an education, Bruce thought. Learning how and when to talk seemed like a great lesson to teach. It would be the first one, along with “Murder isn’t the eternal solution, go get therapy”</p><p>Suddenly the Joker’s face lit up before he yanked Bruce forward, grabbing an oil lamp.</p><p>“Don’t move!” Bruce shouted, catching himself up on a shelf so he wouldn't fall down as the Joker ignored him completely, his eyes fixed on his latest finding.</p><p>He let out a delighted little laugh, brandishing the oil lamp before adopting a conspiratorial air towards Bruce.</p><p>“I wish to be the great sultan of Agrabah!” the Joker proclaimed loudly, pulling back his sleeve as best he could with the handcuffs and rubbing the object. Bruce sighed, turning his face away to try to find the way out. It was better to leave him alone with his strange shenanigans…</p><p>Bruce spotted a little way of light a few meters from where they were standing, smiled lightly as he took a step forward-</p><p>And a heavy blue cloud immediately fogged them, made him cough violently as he stirred the air with his arm, his whole body tensing up.</p><p>His hand tightened on the handcuffs that imprisoned the Joker, conscious that the other would certainly take advantage of this distraction to flee, his eyes burning and his throat filled with this strange smoke. Tears flowed, caused by the acidity of the cloud, as he clenched his jaw - ready to leap at what had caused this phenomenon.</p><p>He suddenly felt his heart beating faster in his chest, adrenaline surging as he felt himself being pulled forward - by a gravitational force from which it was impossible to escape. Bruce tried to anchor his feet in the ground, despite the pain in his hand, despite his stomach twisting in two and despite his frantic thoughts (I'm really going to end up killing this clown, I'm going to <em>strangle him</em>-)</p><p>The Joker's high-pitched laughter reached his ears, closer than he thought as he finally let go.</p><p>Bruce felt tossed around, as if caught inside a cyclone, turned in heavenly hands like a rag doll. He tightened his grip on the handcuffs, the only point that allowed him to anchor himself to reality, the feeling of being pulled forward accelerating. In spite of himself, he let go of his grip and felt himself swept away.</p><p>Then, suddenly, everything stopped.</p><p>Bruce landed on the ground, hands forward, landing in a mixture of dirt and mud, the impact on his aching wrist making him hiss in pain.</p><p>The blue fog slowly evaporated, leaving him aware of his surroundings. They were in a forest, he suddenly noticed, the words slipping away from him inadvertently. </p><p>"Good job, Sherlock, what's the next step, there's also trees?" the Joker snapped, quickly straightening up as best he could with his handcuffs. He had landed face down in the dirt, smearing his entire suit and splashing his face.</p><p>That was what seemed to bother him the most, as he frantically tried to wipe off his suit, spreading more on it than wiping the dirt off.</p><p>“Where are we?” Bruce asked slowly, glancing around him.</p><p>They seemed to have left Gotham, as he wasn’t recognizing his surroundings at all. Anyway, Gotham was an urban island, so it would be easier to find Edward Nygma signing children's books than it would be to find so much greenery.</p><p>And it was well known that Nygma hated children. He hated pretty much everyone, by the way, which was easily understandable when the average person was stupid enough to stay in a city where there was an explosion nearly every day. The obvious attachment, Bruce thought, and for his part, the fact that his mansion had a jacuzzi corner.</p><p>“I’m not dreaming that’s for sure” The Joker answered, even though the question was not really directed at him. “It would include less trees and more ropes.”</p><p>Bruce resisted the urge to glare at him, took a few steps forward to try to do something about it. It wasn't by standing still and staring at the trees that they were going to be able to change anything about their situation.</p><p>And he was used to dealing with strange situations.</p><p>“The oil lamp must have been an artefact that teleported us here. I hope we are still on Earth” Bruce slowly shared, grabbing his phone out of his pocket in an attempt to check if he had signal. As if to taunt him, the device weakly signaled that it had no bars. Splendid. He pushed it back into his pocket roughly.</p><p>“<em><strong>What?” </strong></em>The Joker hissed, jumping suddenly towards him, his eyes narrowing with anger. “What do you mean still on earth, you big rodent? <em>I have things to do!”</em></p><p>Bruce took a step back, crinkling his nose.</p><p><em>“</em>You should have thought of that before rubbing this lamp!”</p><p>“<em>That was a joke!”</em></p><p>“Your definition of a joke is very different from the one in the dictionary!”</p><p>“What do you know about it, Mr Tall and Gloomy?”</p><p>“I know that killing people doesn’t make me the new comedian in Gotham!”</p><p>“THERE’S A METHOD TO THE PROCESS!”</p><p>“I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR METHOD! YOU ARE HURTING PEOPLE!”</p><p>“Fear not, Mortals, for you have summoned me. As you freed me from my eternal prison, I shall grant you the wish dearest to your heart.”</p><p>Bruce stopped.</p><p>The Joker stopped.</p><p>“Did you just developed a sense of humor and the abilities of a ventriloquist?” he whispered to Bruce, his anger fading to deep perplexity.</p><p>Bruce slowly shook his head, the incomprehension of the other reflected on his face.</p><p>They both turned to the side.</p><p>It seemed Bruce had landed in a fairy tale. A genie made of smoke, handcuff marks on his wrists and three large horns on his blue skull faced them. He had necklaces around his neck, molten gold eyes and must have been... four meters tall.</p><p>“I said, Fear not Mortals for- “</p><p>The Joker grabbed a handful of mud and threw it in the genie’s face.</p><p>The mud throw landed on the genie, started to flow slowly down his face. Bruce blinked, slowly. Once. Twice. He pivoted towards the Joker.</p><p>“What. Did. You. Do. That. For.” Bruce growled, smiling a little bit with a pinched look so as not to scream.</p><p>The answer came without hesitation.</p><p>“Reflexes.”</p><p>The genius silently wiped his face, without losing his serious look. He coughed to clear his throat, continued:</p><p>“In accordance with your wish, you were transported in 1404 AD. The rules of this wish are very simple. You will find yourself in several different eras but you will notice very quickly that there will be a slight... discrepancy. You have to find this discrepancy and correct it, which will allow you to move on to the next era. When your wish will have been fully granted, you will find yourself back at your starting point, in Gotham.”</p><p>
  <em>Sorry?</em>
</p><p>Bruce blinked several times.</p><p>“Did I heard 1404 AD?” the Joker whispered. “Tell me, Batsy, my brain isn't malfunctioning again, yes? This is a dream, right, I always thought it would include you, me and a hella lot of strawberries but what can I do against my mind- “</p><p>Yes, murder sounded like a marvelous idea right now.</p><p>What was morality when you could have peace?</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>A little review if it made you smile ? *insert heart*</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Two</strong>
</p><p>-o-o-o-o-o-</p><p> </p><p>There was a silence that planned on them like a falcon. Yes, another one of those terrible birds, it seemed like they were everywhere, even in metaphors. Bruce pinched his lips, eyeing the genie as if to figure out if that was a poor joke or not.</p><p>He hoped it was one.</p><p>“And what if our wish is to go back to Gotham?” he finally said, resisting the urge to bash the Joker’s head into the ground. Just a small gesture, to teach him to <em><strong>not touch</strong></em> things that didn’t belong to you. Like, oil lamps for example. “I’m sure Joker agrees with me.”</p><p>Bruce glanced at him, as if to dare him to say the contrary but the Joker frantically nodded.</p><p>“<em>Yes, yes, yes,</em> listen to him. If he doesn’t have America’s ass, he surely has America’s best scaring voice, so <em>listen” </em>the Joker chirped, trying to get rid of his handcuffs (to no great avail)</p><p>The genie stayed silent. He crossed his arms on his chest, staring at them with a little smile as if they were particularly funny animals in a zoo. And if Bruce accepted to be described as a lot of things, he would never accept to be considered  <em>funny</em>. Some other clown had targeted the word for himself and he would gladly leave it to him.</p><p>“No” the genie finally stated. “You may find some currency in your pockets. We do not wish you for you to die so quickly.”</p><p>“What do you mean so quickly?” Bruce pointed out, rubbing his temples.</p><p>The Joker lifted his eyes, his eyebrows furrowed and still struggling with the handcuffs in order to remove them.</p><p>“Don’t be so obtuse, Batsy-dear, if we are going to die it will be in an epic battle over a lake of flame, while you will confess that you are disappointed of me and have always considered me as a brother, before cutting off my legs and arms in joy and good cheer and letting me be consumed by the flames. And then, when I’ll come back after miraculously surviving, I’ll slice you in half. No hard feelings” the Joker blurted, letting out a cry of joy as he managed to get a wrist out of the handcuffs. “Or is it the wrong movie? Can’t be sure.”</p><p>“Sometimes I don’t understand a word of what’s going on in your head.” Bruce admitted frankly, shaking his head.</p><p>He returned his attention to the genie, not bothering to catch and manhandle the Joker again. After all, if they were really something like eight centuries in the past, Bruce would need all the help he could have. And that included his<em> delightful</em> companion.</p><p>Bruce frowned once again, glaring at the genie.</p><p>“I want more information. What is this discrepancy that we are supposed to fix? And there are other issues. We don’t speak their languages; we don’t know anything about where we are or what we are supposed to do.”</p><p>The genie kept his impassible expression. He would do wonders at Bruce’s Poker parties, he thought fleetingly, no matter how good Bruce was, he always seemed to lose to Jonas and his damn poker face. How unfair could life be.</p><p>Another high-pitched giggle broke the silence and he sighed. When he would come home, Bruce was going to watch the most depressing movie ever in order to make this damn laugh disappear from his mind. Something like Walk. Ride. Rodeo.</p><p>Or Finding Nemo.</p><p>“You are presently in a small town in the east of Ireland” the genie informed them after a silence. “You will be able to understand them. We will not tell you about the discrepancy, it is your job to find it. We heard that you were the greatest detective in the world. Now, begone and initiate your research”</p><p>“Well, he found the way to my heart” the Joker chirped.</p><p>“<em>Shut up</em>. I disagree with you, genie. I am merely- “</p><p>A large flash of light suddenly cut Bruce off, causing him to recoil abruptly, a hand raised in front of his eyes by reflex. A few seconds floated by as Bruce slowly lowered his hand before noticing that the genius had disappeared and evaporated into thin air.</p><p>Splendid.</p><p>He sighed again, closing his eyes for a second to make sure it wasn't a dream. Maybe it was. Or maybe it was his own personal hell and he was finally dead, killed by the destruction of the roof and God had decided to punish him by locking him and the Joker in this strange universe. It was a cruel punishment for a benevolent God, but the ways of the Lord were impenetrable.</p><p>“It’s a shame that you’re an obvious Gryffindor, Hufflepuff makes particularly good finders” the Joker chuckled, finally managing to get rid of the second handcuff. He threw it in the mud with a delighted expression, massaging his wrists before stretching.</p><p>The more Bruce was thinking about it, the more he wanted to scream. Wonderful, just wonderful. He didn’t have a clue of what was wrong, what was the problem that they needed to fix and of all people, he was stuck with the Joker. Why couldn’t it have been Selina, he mentally sighed. This would have counted as a vacation. Even Harvey would have been a better choice.</p><p>He needed a plan, Bruce realized.</p><p>The best course of action was to go the nearest village, where they would surely need to fix some problem (and he hoped it wasn’t marrying the daughter of their chief) and move to the next era.  This would help him see by how many years they had moved forward and estimate overall how many eras they were going to be stuck in.</p><p>And the quicker they fixed the problems, the quicker they would be sent home.</p><p>With this in mind, Bruce had a revival of energy. It wasn't as bad as he had thought. Fix the problem, go home, take the Joker to Arkham and find the bomb. Find the bomb. <em>The bomb.</em> Oh, damn.</p><p>He turned abruptly towards the Joker, grabbing him by the collar.</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“<em>Where did you put the bomb</em>?” he roared. “<em>How many people will die?”</em></p><p>“Still on that? Change your- ah, alright,<em> alright</em>! No need to be all grumpy, I’ll tell you!”</p><p><em><strong>“Joker</strong></em>”</p><p>“There’s no bomb, <em>alright</em>?” the other finally revealed in a shriek, shifting in order to get out of Bruce’s grip. He extended a hand and in a quick motion scratched Bruce right cheek, taking advantage of his surprise and the weakening of his grip to escape. The Joker almost tripped, took a few steps backwards as blood flowed down Bruce's cheek.</p><p>Bruce slowly blinked.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“There’s no bomb!” the Joker repeated, an annoyed expression displayed all over his face. “I didn’t had the time to construct one and put it under a bridge. How could I? I was out of Arkham for <em>six hours!</em> I get that I’m a genius but still, even for me, that’s hard” he darkly added, pursing his red lips.</p><p>No bomb.</p><p>No.</p><p>Bomb.</p><p>So, if Bruce understood well, he was stuck in this world with the Joker for… nothing? Just because the other had lied and wanted to, what, <em>see</em> him? Like he didn’t have enough pictures of Batman. Bruce could have been in his manor. In his brand new jacuzzi. Or in the bed, for god’s sake, in order to get some sleep. It had been so long since he had slept a full night.</p><p>
  <em>So long.</em>
</p><p>The Joker seemed to see something on his face (or his chin?) because he took a few cautious steps backwards, hands raised.</p><p>“Sure, I want you to break your own rule but could it be a little bit more dramatic than me dying in a pool of mud? <em>Buddy</em>?” the Joker slowly asked, still retreating.</p><p>Bruce sighed.</p><p>Anger would lead him nowhere. They needed to collaborate, at least for now.</p><p>“Let’s find this village” Bruce finally said. “I want to get out of here as much as you do and fighting in a forest will not help us.”</p><p>Bruce looked all around him.</p><p>There was nothing that seemed to indicate a path. They had landed in a sort of clearing... He sighed once again, decided to take a compass out of his belt. He ignored the Joker's raised eyebrow, putting the compass flat in his hand in order to find north.</p><p>He waited a second or two for the needle to stabilize, pointing a direction to his left. Bruce promptly put it back in his belt, heading in that direction. Immediately the clown leapt to follow him, grimacing when a horrible suction sound was heard, that of his shoes coming off the mud.</p><p>Bruce thanked whatever the god in charge of this world for wearing the suit. Even if they would probably face troubles when they would get in the town. With his bat suit and the Joker’s purple suit, they were going to stand out from the crowd.</p><p>Maybe he could buy some of the villager’s vintage clothes. The genie had talked about money... While walking, Bruce slipped his hand into his pocket, taking out a full pouch.</p><p>He agitated it, the sound of the pieces colliding with each other breaking the bubble of silence that surrounded them.</p><p>“Looks like someone didn’t joke about money” the Joker pointed out, advancing as best as he could with his designers shoes. He looked disgusted at their state, Bruce noticed. He rejoiced at the thought that the Joker would have to wear the rags of the period. He couldn't wait to see it.</p><p>Their path through the forest seemed to last a thousand years. Little by little the sun fell on them, plunging them into darkness. Bruce quickly put his hand on his belt, pulling out two small flashlights and reluctantly handing one to the Joker. After watching him stumble twelve times, fall over a root, pull a knife out of his pocket and savagely saw the root while insulting it, Bruce felt that providing him with a flashlight would be the best thing to do for the health of the forest.</p><p>“Thanks, Bob the builder. Do you really have<em> anything</em> in your belt?”</p><p>Bruce didn’t grant him an answer.</p><p>In truth, he was slowly beginning to become deaf. It was the longest time he had ever spent with the other and he was beginning to realize why it had been a wonderful thing. The. Joker. Never. Shut. Up. Within three hours - or so - Bruce had had time to learn his views on illegal farmers, electric scooters, the color yellow (it was horrible and had to cease to exist) Queen, Frank Sinatra, Advent calendars, pumpkin lint, and rubber plants. He <em>literally</em> couldn't take it anymore.</p><p>“Let’s play a game” Bruce finally decided, turning towards him.</p><p>The Joker’s face brightened.</p><p>“Seriously? And here I thought you were only playing at being Mr. Broody, what kind of game? I know – what is the best part of someone's body to cut. Let’s say the toes. Imagine not having toes at the beach. It’s annoying, you can’t curl them on the sand. Or having only one ear. That’s difficult for glasses, right? What’s your thoughts on the subject?”</p><p>“Let’s play at « shut up or I’ll break all your teeth ». And they don’t have dentures here.”</p><p>The Joker rolled his eyes, almost pouted.</p><p>
  <em>Pouted.</em>
</p><p>Bruce wasn’t sure of his age but it was surely more around thirty than six. Pouting was not something adults were doing. They were brooding. Nuance.</p><p>“They’re false anyway” the Joker confessed smugly. In front of Bruce stunned expression, he shrugged, waving the lamp in front of him. “What? You thought they were regrowing each time you were punching my face? Sorry to break it to you, that’s dental implants.”</p><p>Bruce stopped.</p><p>“How the hell did you find a doctor willing to do it? Did you <em>pay</em>?”</p><p>“Of course no, I didn’t pay! Who do you think I am, Bruce Wayne? That’s fucking expansive, buddy. No-no-no, Harley was doing a great job at making sure they weren’t killing me. Not that they would, I’m the best comedian in Gotham’s city.”</p><p>Bruce shook his head, continuing on his way.</p><p>If he needed to be honest… He never thought about it. Sure, that was a little bit strange that when he knocked the Joker’s teeth out, there has never been a gap in his smile but- Well, Bruce had a lot of other things on his mind and the Joker’s teeth were not a top priority. Although his dentist did a great job.</p><p>They walked for another hour, the silence being broken a few times by the Joker's remarks, until Bruce noticed a light in the distance. He squinted - the light flickered. A fire, it was a fire! It must have signaled that there were people, maybe a village.</p><p>He exchanged a glance with the clown before they abruptly accelerated the pace. Strangely, despite all the other's remarks, not once had he complained about the physical effort. Anyway, even the Joker’s physical appearance was incomprehensible.</p><p>The closer they got, the more it looked like a village.</p><p>When at last the trees became less scattered, a path took shape, snaking out of the forest and coming to a visible stop in front of a thick stone wall that seemed to surround the whole village. They exchanged a glance, quickly moving out of the forest and onto the path. They put away their flashlights, aware that technology would surely intimidate the inhabitants.</p><p>The Joker almost sprinted back to the path, pulling up his trousers so that he wouldn't get covered in more mud, and Bruce had to accelerate to catch up with him.</p><p>They were stopped by a voice a few metres from the front door.</p><p>“Halt! Who goes there?”</p><p>“We’re merchants and travelers! We are passing by and would like a place to stay tonight. We have money to pay for it” Bruce shouted back, pulling his purse out of his pocket to exhibit it.</p><p>He could not see the man's eyes from his position but was sure that they must have shone with longing because he immediately said, more deviously:</p><p>“There’s a fee for the passage. Three bronze coins will do the trick!”</p><p>Bruce casted a glance inside the purse he had, grimaced as he saw only gold. Great. In addition to finding themselves in a completely different era, they risked having their throats cut for their money. Well, it was better than to sleep with the wolves.</p><p>And they still needed to fix the goddamn problem of this era.</p><p>“I’ll even pay you in gold if you let us in”</p><p>“Wow! Can I have some too?” the Joker whispered.</p><p>“You have your own purse.”</p><p>The Joker’s eyes widened. He frantically searched his pockets, pulling out four knives and putting them back in another pocket before pulling out a purse just as full as Bruce's.</p><p>“Wait, how could I walk a few hours without realizing I had this thing on me?” the Joker asked with a frown.</p><p>Bruce shrugged.</p><p>“Magic.”</p><p>“Magic is when I stab a guy in the eye with a pencil” the Joker argued, shaking his head, and tilting the purse at the same time. “That’s not magic, that’s defying the universal laws. And I’m all about prestige and Nolan, great guy I assure you, even if I looked a little too sloppy, oily hair please, it's not my style but <em>it </em>doesn't make any sense.”</p><p>“I thought you were all about non-sense” Bruce countered, stepping forward as the gate opened.</p><p>The Joker rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Once again, you’re mistaking me with Ledger! I’m a great philosopher but zero for the self-cleanliness.”</p><p>“The money first!” the gatekeeper firmly demanded as they advanced towards him.</p><p>Bruce pulled a coin from his pocket, advancing slowly before depositing it in the man's outstretched palm. The man hurriedly closed his hand over the coin, as if it was going to disappear, and quickly bit it off. Bruce grimaced at the gesture, but the other had an appreciative smile on his face, gauging them from head to toe.</p><p>The Joker rushed inside, passing the man before he could make a move, his eyes wide open and looking all around him.</p><p>Bruce took the opportunity to follow him and did the same, stopping dead in his tracks when he got close to the clown. His eyes widened as well, impressed.</p><p>They had just entered a real medieval village. The stone houses reminded him of the landscapes in Austria and Germany, these villages in the hollows of the mountains and at the foot of the ski resorts. A high church stood in front of them, a flame flickering and shining through one of the windows.</p><p>It must have been the flame they had seen.</p><p>“There's an inn behind the church” the gatekeeper said, walking towards them, his hand still clenched around his coin. “If you want to travel by horse, you’ll find a shop that’s selling some sumpters.”</p><p>Bruce nodded and the gatekeeper suddenly stopped. He threw a nasty glance at them, frowning and squinting his eyes. Bruce suddenly remembered that he very much still had his suit on, that the Joker had green hair and a white complexion and that in this era, they would be burned for witchcraft.</p><p>Finally, maybe it was a good thing that it wasn’t Selina with him.</p><p>Or even Harvey.</p><p>“What in the lord’s name are you wearing? Is he a jester?”</p><p>“A jester? <em>Exactly!”</em></p><p>“As I said, we are merchants.  We bought our gear from a town several leagues from here at a festival. We are, however, willing to buy some clothes if there is someone in your village who makes clothing” Bruce quickly answered, ignoring the Joker’s intervention, and elbowing him violently.</p><p>The Joker returned the favor, Bruce gave him a gloomy look, grimacing at the blow. He turned his attention back to the man, who seemed to swallow the lie quite easily, perhaps at the thought of receiving more gold coins.</p><p>“My wife is doing some clothes herself. She’ll be able to give you something for the right price. Just follow me, you’ll go to the inn right after” the gatekeeper informed them, licking his lips and glancing at Bruce’s purse.</p><p>The Joker and him exchanged a look.</p><p>“What’s the worse case scenario? They try to kill and rob us?” the Joker whispered in his ear. “I’d like to see them try. I’ve never killed a medieval peasant before.”</p><p>“No killing” Bruce furiously whispered back.</p><p>“Right, right Mother Teresa. Maiming then, which is kind of killing when you think of the kind of medicine they must have.”</p><p>“No maiming either.”</p><p>“You’re no fun.”</p><p>“Not your kind of fun, no.”</p><p>“<em>Party-pooper.”</em></p><p>“You’re coming or what?” the gatekeeper asked, prompting them to advance.</p><p>Bruce nodded, detaching himself from the Joker before following him. He would have to find something to cover his face, he thought. He refused to let this silly adventure reveal his identity to the Joker.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>“This is easily the worst meal I’ve ever eat” the Joker said before plunging his fork back into the plate and swallowing a bite. “I’ll never criticize again the Hawaiian pizza. Pinky promise.”</p><p>“Shut up and eat.”</p><p>But the Joker wasn't entirely wrong, Bruce thought to himself as he grimaced at the taste of the soup. It was disgusting. It may have been a cliché and he couldn't care less, but he'd never tasted anything so awful.</p><p>Bruce adjusted his long hood over his face, masking up to his nose and the top of his mouth. They had accompanied the doorkeeper to his home, explored the place with a mixture of wonder and surprise, while his wife had handed them more... presentable clothes. For a total of two more gold coins, they had been able to change, the Joker reluctantly giving up his purple suit for a long tunic, trousers, and boots.</p><p>Bruce had received the same attire, once again grimacing at the smell and adding a cape with a hood to camouflage his face. He had stuffed his suit into a long canvas bag provided by the gatekeeper's wife and they quickly made their way to the inn.</p><p>The hood had allowed the Joker to camouflage his green hair and they had ordered dinner and a room for the night. They needed to come up with a plan, Bruce thought, trying to get rid of the taste of the soup with the equally atrocious flavor of the beer.</p><p>“We’ll need to talk to the villagers to see what problem they are facing” Bruce whispered to the Joker, far too conscious of the looks that weighed on them. With their masked faces, their payments in gold and the fact that they were strangers, all the attention of the inhabitants was directed at them.</p><p>“I know their problem. They’re peasants in the middle age. Kill them all to shorten their suffering, tadam, problem fixed !”</p><p>The Joker’s high-pitched voice attracted even more glances and Bruce pinched his lips. He stirred his fork in his plate without bringing it to his lips.</p><p>“I’m not sure you’ll want to stay here forever. No showers, do you remember?” Bruce pointed out, aiming his fork towards the other.</p><p>The Joker made a face.</p><p>“Good point” he acknowledged. “Very good point. Alright, my knight in not-so-shining armor, what’s your plan?”</p><p>“I just told you.”</p><p>“But what If they don’t want to tell us? We’re strangers- and that means danger for them.”</p><p>“I can be very persuasive.”</p><p>The Joker rolled his eyes theatrically.</p><p>“Yes, I am sure you are quite a charmer with the ladies Batsy-bat but here you’re just a <em>freak</em>. Oh!” he suddenly exclaimed, his eyes widening in delight and giggling. “Just like me! So, tell me, what does it feel like to go to the dark side of the force? We don’t have cookies, that’s a lie, but you can strangle the girl that said you had a weird face.”</p><p>Bruce took a sip of his beer and drew in a long breath. Because he wanted to avoid punching the Joker’s face and because his drink’s taste was truly <em>awful</em>.</p><p>He casted a glance on their environment and everyone quickly looked away.</p><p>“Let’s reason like this. If they have a problem, they’ll want to fix it as soon as possible. If we say we’re here to help them, they don’t have any reason to refuse.”</p><p>The Joker barked a laugh.</p><p>All eyes were at once on them and Bruce shot him a vicious glare, very aware that the top of his face was hidden by his hood. The Joker shook his head, giving him another mirthless laugh and grinned in delight.</p><p>“You’re really too funny for me. How are you still alive my dear rodent? People don’t reason <em>logically, </em>honey. They’re reasoned by fear, by envy and lust. If we flash them some of our coins, yeah sure, but if we <em>ask gently</em>? They’ll burn you on their log with the same <em>kindness</em>” he snorted, spreading his arms wide.</p><p>“How joyful is your vision of humanity.”</p><p>The Joker twitched on his seat.</p><p>“But that’s the fun part, darling ! If you’re aware of that and decide to just throw it all away and force them to act upon these three characteristics, then the real winner is <em>you</em>! Psychological tricks and all that stuff, you know.”</p><p>“This is absolutely stupid” Bruce deadpanned.</p><p>And he was really meaning it. That was the dumbest thing he had ever heard - and he wasn’t always spending time with bright minds. It looked like the Joker just needed an excuse to make what he wanted and this one had been very convenient.</p><p>The Joker narrowed his eyes in anger, drumming slowly his fingers on the table. They were getting closer and closer to his fork and Bruce sighed.</p><p>“<em>Don’t</em>.”</p><p>“You could at least pretend to listen” the Joker huffed, his hand falling motionless on the table. “I've made up a nice little tale for you and you judge it to be stupid.”</p><p>“Hum-hum”</p><p>They both lifted their eyes from their plates, turning to their left to see a man standing in front of them. He was wearing the same outfit as approximately everyone else, had sunburnt skin and a crooked nose and was looking at them with nervousness. He scratched his neck, making a jittery gesture towards the Joker.</p><p>“I’ve heard what your friend said” the man confessed coyly, massaging the back of his neck. “There is in fact a problem in the village and- we won’t say no to help. We don’t have much but we’ll be able to pay you.”</p><p>“Pay me? I’m in!” the Joker exclaimed, cackling, and rolling his shoulders. “What’s the catch, big guy?”</p><p>“The… catch?”</p><p>“Well you’ve got it, what’s the deal, what’s the job, what’s your tiny little problem?”</p><p>The man glanced hesitantly back behind him at the table from which he came. Seeing the faces of his friends seemed to comfort him in his decision, as his face hardened, his eyes squinting with anger. The Joker cackled with delight at the sight, winking at him in order to make him talk.</p><p>Bruce sighed, bending over the table, making a hand gesture to encourage him to continue. The man was not to be frightened by the clown's undisciplined manner; it was a blessing that he came to them.</p><p>“There’s a werewolf in this village. <em>And I want you to kill it.”</em></p><p>The Joker and Bruce exchanged a glance – thrilled eyes versus tired ones.</p><p>A slight discrepancy, uh.</p><p>Bruce didn’t thought genies had a devious sense of humor.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Thank you for this warm welcome &lt;3</strong>
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  <strong>A review if the Joker's lines made you smile? </strong>
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  <strong>Last thing, the chapters will gradually increase in length :)</strong>
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chapter Three</strong>
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</p><p>Bruce had his eyes wide open.</p><p>By that, he didn’t meant that he had a new mindset about humanity, about the alignment of the planets or <span class="u">about</span> the fundamental nature of mankind.  Not like: my third eye is open and from now on I will devote my life to alpine breeding in Kyrgyzstan.</p><p>No : his eyes were open because he couldn’t sleep in the same room as the Joker.</p><p>Well, technically he could. He was in a bed, probably three meters far from the clown and had all the necessities mandatory for a good sleep. Leaving aside the obvious lack of cleanliness, Bruce had slept in much worse places.</p><p>Moreover: Bruce had handcuffed the Joker to his own bed.</p><p>Firstly because he didn't want to wake up with a clown perched on his lap, and secondly because it was a little bit of revenge against the incessant hubbub that had come out of the Joker's mouth all day long.</p><p>But that wasn't the problem. The problem was that Bruce was painfully aware that the Joker was in a bed three metres away from him, asleep (at last) and the idea was keeping him awake. It was silly, he knew it, and yet his eyes refused to close.</p><p>The whole day - or night? - had been an emotional roller coaster.</p><p>Bruce adjusted his head on his pillow, pursing his lips. His mind wandered, remembering the strange conversation they had had earlier with the man at the inn.</p><p>“Sorry to break it to you, good fella, but werewolves don’t exist” the Joker had laughed, his hand clenching around his fork. “Furries on the other hand…”</p><p>“It is true !” the man had insisted with frustration, angered and almost desperate. “We all saw him ! He’s stealing our children and our sheeps, eating them slowly ! Wilhelmus saw him! A strange man who morphed into a wolf! That’s witchcraft and we want him dead!”</p><p>“Are you sure your Wilhelmus isn’t just a bit, ah, too fond of his ale?”</p><p>“We will pay you !” the man had begged and Bruce had capitulated.</p><p>Not for the pay, of course. He wasn’t <em>that</em> petty.</p><p>No, Bruce had hated to see the anger mixed with fear in the other's eyes. If it was really a werewolf, he would find a way to reason with it or how to imprison it (he could not leave this possibility aside after seeing a genie) but if it was a wolf, the problem would be solved quickly. And Bruce was at 98% certain it was going to be a wolf.</p><p>The 2% existed because apparently the universe <em>hated</em> him and laughed at him while throwing genie and werewolves in his path. Thanks.</p><p>The Joker had rolled his eyes, whispered that Bats really had such a fluffy heart and had continued to eat his awful mixture. Bruce would have never admitted it, even under torture, but he had been a little bit impressed at his capacity to eat it. But the Joker had shrugged, said that food was food and that he had never been a picky eater.</p><p>Maybe his sense of taste had been burnt off by the acidity, Bruce had thought, before changing immediately his mind in front of the Joker’s disgusted expression. Not a picky eater but visibly still repulsed by the food.</p><p>He couldn’t blame him.</p><p>They would go and search for the werewolf the new day, he mused, sinking further into the pillow. And if fate, for once, was with them, the task of this era would quickly be completed.</p><p>If they were relying on fate, Bruce wasn't sure it meant good things for them.</p><p>Well, as always, time would tell.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>“Rise and shine, <em>honeycakes </em>! Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise !” a voice suddenly beamed in Bruce’s ears, making him jump.</p><p>As a reflex, his hand came to find his attacker's throat, closed around it and came to tackle the intruder on the bed - Bruce breathing quickly and heavily. He blinked once, twice, a yelp of laughter causing him to lower his eyes to the man whose throat he was clutching.</p><p>“What a grip, if you hadn't just woken up I could have sworn you had eaten a lion for breakfast ! You absolute <em>monster</em>, I loved Mufasa !”</p><p>Bruce sighed – released his grip.</p><p>“Joker.”</p><p>The other had a new, muffled laugh, massaging his throat with a grimace. “Despite what the scriptwriters might think, I'm not a masochist and I'd appreciate not getting strangled every morning.” His face suddenly brightened and he stopped massaging his throat, turning towards Bruce with a naughty wink. “Depends on the context, of course.”</p><p>Bruce didn’t even think of answering to that, checking quickly if his cowl was still in place. Although incredibly uncomfortable, it was a better option than the hood – one bad move and the Joker would figure his most secure secret.</p><p>The Joker who was on his bed.</p><p>Didn’t Bruce handcuffed him to his own bed last night?</p><p>His glance directly went to the furniture. He flew over it with his eyes, seeing the pair of handcuffs hanging pitifully, still suspended to the bed. Bruce sighed again, wondering why he still bothered to believe they would hold the Joker captive. Probably to bring peace to his mind. Illusions were truly a delightful thing.</p><p>Bruce half wanted to go back to bed, pretending that the Joker was just a particularly atrocious nightmare of a delusional mind and forgetting that he was more than eight centuries in the past. Maybe if he closed his eyes and opened them again, Alfred would be waiting for him with a cup of coffee?</p><p>Yes, sometimes Bruce had hopes only for them to be <em>crushed.</em></p><p>He closed his eyes-</p><p>“No-no-no! There’s a man in your name, Batsy, and men live by day” the Joker hurriedly shouted, frowning as he put his nasty fingers on Bruce’s face, forcing his eyelids to stay open. Bruce yelped, throwing the clown away from him and he hit the ground, landing on his back.</p><p>“You’re really not a morning person, uh? ” the Joker chuckled, standing up on his feet, stretching and rolling his shoulders. Bruce gave him a gloomy look, repressing a yawn and slowly emerged from his bed.</p><p>“<em>Get up, get up, get up, get up</em> !”</p><p>Bruce groaned in frustration, nearly threw a cushion in his face.</p><p>“<em>Will you shut up?”</em> he instead snapped, turning towards him with a snarl. “ If you’re so impatient to meet them, by all means, <em>go</em>!”</p><p>The Joker gave him one of his high-pitched chuckles, his eyes narrowing. He passed a quick tongue on his lips, stiffening and eyeing Bruce – all the muscles in Bruce’s body suddenly tensed. That was not a good sign-</p><p>“Oh-oh, yes, that’s what I want to see, this anger, this fury! C’mon Batsy-dear, <em>do your worst</em> !”</p><p>And just like that, Bruce’s anger faded. His tensed body slowly went back to normal, sighing and passing a hand over his neck. There was no point in fighting with him. If the genie’s words were a clue, they would have to fight soon. Not dying too quickly meant he wanted them to at least face hardships.</p><p>Great. Just when Bruce was complaining that his life was too easy. Oh, wait. It <em>was already hell.</em></p><p>Bruce wasn’t too fond of what this implied. It was usually the case with a lot of things. His life wasn’t really a fairy tale.</p><p>Perhaps he should had followed the Joker’s advice and choose another career.</p><p>He had always liked plants. Perhaps he could build a garden in Gotham. Ivy would be delighted. But he wasn't sure he was ready to share his potential future daffodils with the eco-terrorist. She would transform them into something <em>terrible.</em></p><p>“You can go downstairs and ask for some information about this werewolf. I'll come down as soon as I've changed” he finally said, eyeing the clothes they had bought. The pinnacle of fashion, Alfred would have gotten a heart attack.</p><p>Bruce hoped that the clown wouldn’t have the time to be annoyed at someone and kill him within the few seconds he needed to change.</p><p>The Joker laughed, but it wasn’t amused at all.</p><p>“Oh, I <em>can? </em>I didn’t know I needed your approval, father, but you should have told me you had a daddy kink<em>”</em></p><p>Bruce couldn’t help but to blush a little tiny bit and the Joker’s laugh turned into something more sincere. His face brightened up and he chuckled, small hiccups of laughter stretching his grin into something abnormal. The Joker succeeded very well in fulfilling the "terrifying" criteria necessary to be a clown, the "funny" side a little less.</p><p>“He’s blushing! What, honeycakes, you’re not used to a bit of flirtation? Or did I hit a nerve?”</p><p>Bruce rolled his eyes. It would have been funny to not be used to flirtation when he spent the majority of his evenings with models and gorgeous actresses. But well, he couldn’t say it out loud, He still had his identity to protect.</p><p>Although sometimes he wasn’t so sure of which identity mattered to him the most.</p><p>“Just go” he huffed, rolling his shoulders as he picked up his tunic from the day before with his fingertips.</p><p>The Joker opened the door, sighing theatrically. The silence planned for a few seconds and Bruce thought that the other was gone, when he suddenly proved Bruce wrong by saying :“Jeez, being broody doesn’t make you attractive, just makes you alone.”</p><p>And the Joker closed the door.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>“Let’s talk about this once again” Bruce said, forcing a smile on his lips. “You saw this man change into a werewolf?”</p><p>The man, Wilhelmus, frantically nodded.</p><p>They were sitting inside the inn, at the table around a beer (Bruce had politely declined but the Joker had beamed at the proposition, before remembering that he disliked alcohol and giving it to Bruce. The beer was laid on the table, untouched. And would remain so, Bruce was no one’s trash) as Wilhelmus explained for the third time that he really saw a man change into a wolf. <em>Sure</em>.</p><p>The more he was talking about it, the more Bruce and the Joker were certain there was no such thing as a werewolf.</p><p>“You’ll forgive me for a being a bit, ah, skeptical” the Joker sniffled, his fingers dancing around the beer. “But this werewolf, you saw him at night, at the edge of the forest, something standing on two feet and then on four legs, right?”</p><p>“Exactly !”</p><p>The Joker and Bruce exchanged a tired glance.</p><p>“Righhht. He was making muffled sounds, seemed taller than a normal man and ran away as soon as you shouted?”</p><p>“Yes ! This was truly the work of the devil because no such man could be this tall. He morphed and then had a mouth full of teeth and fangs, he roared at me and his breath was like poison, he had blood on his fur and ran away ! <em>This was a werewolf</em>!” Wilhelmus shouted, his eyes bulging out, and all his limbs shivering.</p><p>The crowd gathered around them, looked at them with big wide eyes, trembling and drawing the sign of the cross. They had amassed in the inn, holding out a thin purse to them - full of bronze coins. Bruce had flatly refused to take it, ignored the Joker's eye rolling and even mentally vowed to give them their own purses when they left.</p><p>“Verdict, Doctor Man?” the Joker asked slyly, turning towards him, crossing his hands under his chin. All that was missing were the glasses and the blouse, and the look was complete.</p><p>Bruce almost smiled, bite his lips in order to remain serious. Showing the Joker that something he had said had amused Bruce was an omen of death. Death by frustration and deafness. His jokes were almost as bad as his look.</p><p>“Congratulations, <em>that’s a bear!”</em> the Joker suddenly beamed, without waiting for an answer. He stretched his legs, rolled his shoulders and shrugged, whispering in Bruce’s ear. “They’re not really <em>bright</em> minded here, sugarplum.” He leaned toward Wilhelmus, displaying his usual wide grin. “It’s simple. We, uh, kill the bear.”</p><p>The Joker barked a joyful laugh at his own words like he -and the readers- were the only ones to understand this joke. Bruce’s tiny smile slipped a little bit and he forced himself to keep it firmly in place. How life was hard when you had a murderous clown as your companion who quoted movies that didn’t even exist in their universe.</p><p>Bruce would hang himself if he knew how to tie a noose.</p><p>“We aren’t stupid!” the man protested, eyeing the Joker with a murderous glare. “There’s no bear in the region. I know what I saw and it wasn’t a bear. It was a <em>werewolf.</em>”</p><p> </p><p>“Did you try to track him inside the forest?” Bruce finally intervened, throwing a warning glance at the Joker. They had <em>much more </em>important things to do than alienate the villagers. Even if asking the Joker to not alienate someone was as efficient as asking a tiger to go <em>vegan.</em></p><p>And he guessed the last one who tried made a really good non-vegan meal.</p><p>Wilhelmus glanced at the crowd, rubbing his forehead before nodding.</p><p>“We went into the forest with pitchforks to hunt it. We scoured the forest, looking for its lair. In vain. There is no bear, there is a werewolf and he is among us.”</p><p>So, they believed they had an impostor.</p><p>Bruce wanted to sigh once again. When the genie had said they would have to fix a discrepancy, he hadn’t thought of something of this kind. Maybe bringing peace to a kingdom, arresting some criminal, saving the day, being proclaimed a hero, to have a golden statue of him that he could look at every morning– hum, hum, he deviated from the subject -  but… this? Finding a bear, really? Bruce had thought his time in Gotham was slightly more important than that but well, he wasn’t a genie.</p><p>“Did you try waiting for the full moon and assembling everyone in the village in some place in order to see if the “werewolf” is really among you?”</p><p>Wilhelmus looked at him with wide eyes.</p><p>Right…  Not bright indeed. He guessed they didn’t. And Bruce had absolutely no clue if there would be a full moon soon. After all it could take one day or a little less than one month.</p><p>“Really bright bulbs those ones” the Joker whispered, still grinning. “I won’t ever say you’re dumb as a brick, I found worse than you.”</p><p>Bruce suddenly swung towards him. Dumb as a brick.</p><p>
  <em>Dumb as a brick.</em>
</p><p>He didn’t dropped out of med school to be considered <em>dumb as a brick.</em></p><p>“You said <em>what?</em>”</p><p>The Joker chuckled, raising two hands that claimed to be innocent. Lucifer must have looked the same before leading his first meeting of Treachery and Rebellion for dummies.</p><p>“Just kidding! Jeez, smile a bit, Batsy, one could think you’re not happy to be here. Aaah sometimes I wish you had been the one with me in those mountains, you are far more attractive than Gyllenhaal. Although he’s not that bad.”</p><p>Bruce was considering the idea of getting "Error 404, I didn't get it" tattooed on his palm to avoid having to open his mouth. He shrugged, turned his attention back to the villager facing them - looking at least as lost as Bruce.</p><p>“We can begin by that. In the meantime, the Jo-“ Bruce froze. He glanced at the Joker before slowly continuing “my <em>friend </em>and I will search the forest. Perhaps we can find something that you missed.”</p><p>The Joker beamed at the word, hearts visible in his eyes, and he grimaced, determined to keep his attention focused on the villager. He was in need of help; Bruce would offer him his help. Simple. And even someone <em>dumb as a brick</em> would get that (yes, Bruce would <em>never ever</em> forget this insult) And the fact that fixing this problem would help them get back to Gotham was a small detail that didn’t need to be acknowledged.</p><p>Shh. Minor detail, he said.</p><p>“We would be forever grateful for your help” Wilhelmus assured and the crowd behind him agreed with a great deal of nodding and signs of the cross.</p><p>“Yeah, peachy-keen” the Joker smiled, a little bit too forced for it to be true, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “Let’s go hunt the big bad wolf, it’s not like I had a lot of things planned for my week. Oh, wait!”</p><p>The villager stayed silent at this – and Bruce couldn’t blame him. He wanted nothing more than slamming the Joker’s head into the table, just to see his mouth closed <em>for once</em> but they needed to display a… united team. And because the Joker was someone like that, what a shame, he would answer to the punch by something far more vicious, they would fight, they would break something and they would have <em>to pay.</em></p><p>Bruce was upset, tired and frankly annoyed and didn’t want to waste their coins on things like a table. After all, they didn’t know for how long they would be stucked here. It could be a day like a year. And the Joker would rather murder the entire town that playing the farmer 9 to 5 in order to get a few coins. Dolly Parton be damned with her insurrection songs.</p><p>Some people were upset at the little things.</p><p>“Alright.” The Joker finally conceded. “Let’s go hunt, baby shark.” He drummed his fingers on the table, a vicious gleam dancing in his eyes. He grinned and Bruce almost had the reflex to punch him.  “But, when we’ll go back to Arkham, I want you to testify to Harley that having a score of 6 on 80 on the empathy scale doesn’t mean anything. <em>I ain’t no sociopath, Miss H.</em> The proof : I’m doing my good action of the day. ”</p><p>The Joker must have cheated on the test, Bruce thought as he shook the villager’s hand.</p><p>There was no way he got such a high score.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>“I hate you” the Joker abruptly said. “There are things that are engraved in reality. The sky is blue, sometimes, we are lost in the middle of the forest, Aubrey James was the mayor of Gotham, the earth is flat – no, not that, sorry - <em>and I hate you</em>."</p><p>Only silence answered him.</p><p>“I hate you so much right now, I'd be ready to kill you. Hop. In one quick beheading with a shovel. Or slowly. It all depends on how much effort I'm willing to put into it.”</p><p>Bruce, undisturbed in the least, only gave him a quick glance, continuing to push the branches out of his way.</p><p>“If you have so much energy to talk then search” he answered smugly, adjusting the hood on his face and moving slowly through the foliage.</p><p>“It is my hatred that makes me stand upright, I feel it <em>flowing in my blood like fuel in my veins</em>, pure <em>poison</em> that keeps me alive-“</p><p>Bruce rolled his eyes, something he was doing more and more since yesterday and resumed his occupation – not paying an ounce of attention to the Joker’s drama queen shenanigans. Since they had entered the forest, he had only been <em>complaining</em>, and the complaints had morphed into death threats after two hours of intensive search.</p><p>The villagers were right. There was nothing like a bear lair although the forest was quite vast. They couldn’t possibly find the animal – if there was one – in only one day. Bruce still had his weapons on him, the Joker his knifes – and probably more lethal tools that he didn’t want to know about – so he wasn’t particularly worried about what they might find in the forest.</p><p>He had asked the villagers about the cycles of the moon, not really sure that they would have noticed but by some miracle, the full moon was to be expected in three days. He was pretty sure that this miracle was called “genie”.</p><p>Or perhaps the author didn’t want them to spend a month in this shithole.</p><p>“Doesn’t it seem strange that we would be sent here only to help with a wolf? Or a bear?” Bruce suddenly asked, stopping and turning toward the Joker.</p><p>The other, who was mumbling quietly things only he could hear, stopped as well, lifting an eyebrow. Oh, Bruce thought sarcastically, so he was too tired to search for the animal but not for complaints or for his antics.</p><p>“I agree. I don’t think either our dearest wish would be to hunt a creature in a forest” the Joker provided, frowning. “I know for sure, mine wouldn’t be so. A cocktail, you as my waiter and the head of the Penguin in a vat of ice on the other hand...”</p><p>He had a knife in his hand – and Bruce almost sighed, wondering where from it had appeared – and at the sight of his bloody fingers, he visibly had used it to clean his nails.</p><p>The Joker played with the knife, rotating it between his fingers before raising his eyes, chuckling at the sight of Bruce’s annoyed expression. “Oh, don’t look so grumpy, my dear, did you expected me to play the canary in the mines? Bear or not, I wouldn't have come if I didn't have a means of defense.”</p><p>“Your fingers.” Bruce only explained.</p><p>“What, my fingers? I still have five of them, right? I <em>love</em> my gloves, imagine how ridiculous I would be if one finger was missing, I couldn’t wave properly for one-“</p><p>The Joker quickly glanced at his hands, checking if he had all his fingers by bending them and testing his motricity. “What’s the problem?” he added, frowning even more.</p><p>Bruce resisted the urge to abandon him here. Did he really had to explain?</p><p>“The blood, Joker” Bruce not-so-patiently clarified.</p><p>A burst of incomprehension passed through the other's eyes before he understood, bursting out laughing and waving his hand - causing more blood to flow along it.</p><p>“Afraid of dear ol’ hemoglobin? Don’t worry, it’s a friend. With all my transfusions, it's like I have a piece of all of Gotham in me.”</p><p>Wonderful.</p><p>Bruce grimaced. There were certain things he didn't know he was going to hate to hear, but this sentence was certainly one of them. He grimaced at the idea even more, repulsed as the Joker squealed with laughter, his hilarity redoubling at Bruce's disgusted look.</p><p>“We are moving away from the subject. Do you think this werewolf case could be true and that it is the problem we need to solve?” Bruce slowly asked, his eyebrows frowning as he pondered. “Supernatural elements have infiltrated the world and we need to eliminate them before they have too much influence on their environment?"</p><p>The Joker gasped.</p><p>Bruce lifted a dubious eyebrow.</p><p>The clown put one hand to his heart, eyes wide open and leapt forward - extending a hand as if to check if Bruce was real. He stepped back in reflex, his heart accelerating as a hint of panic pierced through the Joker's eyes.</p><p>Was there a problem? He grabbed instinctively a batarang, ready to throw it at the threat-</p><p>“Bats, is it you in there?” the Joker asked, his voice shaking with terror. He had a truly devastated expression, at the verge of crying. “Can you hear me ? Can you fight it? I know you’re in there. Please, answer to me.”</p><p>“Joker <em>what is wrong with you-“</em></p><p>“I know demonic possession is very hard to fight, but I believe in you-“</p><p>“Joker?”</p><p>“This can't be you! I know you're an impostor !” the Joker shouted, tears pouring down his face. “I’ll avenge you, my dear dark knight!”</p><p>He took a step forward and Bruce blinked, truly confused.</p><p>“What are you talking about-“</p><p>“You can’t be him! You have given yourself away! <em>Batsy is physically incapable of saying more than five words</em>! ”</p><p>Oh, dear god.</p><p>That was it. Bruce was going to kill him. Goodbye morality, you had been a great friend but sometimes life doesn’t give you the choice.</p><p>He closed his eyes, breathing heavily through his nostrils as the Joker roared with laughter, not even defending himself when Bruce seized him by the collar – threw his fist in his face.</p><p>The resulting contentment hit him like a slap, his body shivering with anger.</p><p>The Joker laughed even harder at his fury, apparently not caring in the least that he was being shaken violently and that blood was dripping out of his nose. High-pitched giggles were breaking through his laughter and Bruce finally dropped him, his angry outburst calming down as quickly as he had come. Bruce took a deep breath, fighting against an exasperated grimace.</p><p>This man would be the death of him.</p><p>Or his mental sanity. If there was still something left to save.</p><p>“You really are insufferable” he sighed, passing a hand over his face. “I really should beat you until you can’t talk.”</p><p>The Joker grinned, wiped off the blood on his chin before pinching his nose and leaning forward.</p><p>“But you didn’t. You <em>love</em> me.”</p><p>Bruce couldn’t help but let out an incredulous chuckle.</p><p>“What gave me away?”</p><p>“He<em> chuckled</em>.” the Joker mouthed, eyes wide and looking dumbstruck. “He can <em>laugh”</em></p><p>“Perhaps it just means that usually you are not funny” Bruce retorted, turning around to spread the branches and continue on his way. He heard more than he saw the Joker's indignant exclamation before he felt a shock in his back, as if a handful of mud had been thrown to him.</p><p>He immediately turned around with a puzzled look on his face, and the clown's less than innocent demeanor testified his involvement in this <em>dark </em>affair.</p><p>“Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou <em>whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”</em> the Joker cried theatrically, brandishing an imaginary sword in his left hand and camouflaging his right-hand dripping with mud.</p><p>“What, art thou mad? Art thou mad? Is not the truth the truth?” Bruce retaliated, grinning in spite of him. He would never have thought the Joker had read such a play; Shakespeare having written much more memorable works known to the general public. Although he could perfectly imagine the other memorizing the playwright's insults in order to spice up his battles and repartees.</p><p>The Joker’s face lit up as he cheered :</p><p>“My my Batsy-dear, you are far more cultured than your muscles would suggest!”</p><p>“Now I am the one who’s insulted” Bruce winced, scrunching up his face.</p><p>The Joker huffed harshly.</p><p>“Well then the damage has been equitably distributed, you prick”</p><p>“I am going in circles with you” Bruce honestly confessed, decided to ignore him for at least… ten minutes. He knew the task was hard but he would try his best. He was Batman, after all.</p><p>It was useless, Bruce slowly realized as the minutes went by and they slowly advanced through the forest. It had been a stupid idea. What would have been more sensible would have been to stay with the targets, camouflage themselves and wait for the "werewolf" to arrive. The more Bruce thought about it, the more he thought that going into the forest was particularly stupid. In his defense, his mind had been fogged for now twenty-six hours by an external parasite.</p><p>But coming back to the village now was an admission of defeat.</p><p>Bruce sighed, stopped. He wasn't going to let his pride get in the way of the villagers' safety. The best solution was to go back to the village and keep an eye out for this so-called werewolf.</p><p>“Do you realize how useless our little walk through the forest is, Rambo?” the Joker suddenly chirped, not sounding the slightest bit concerned. After all, he had been wandering through the forest as much as Bruce. “I must say I'm almost amazed at how long it took you, you must really be mentally exhausted.”</p><p>His tone was teasing, almost affectionate and Bruce couldn’t stand it.</p><p>“I need to think” he abruptly said, glancing at the Joker before sprinting further into the forest.</p><p>Bruce just had the time to hear the Joker’s incredulous exclamations, almost worried, before being swallowed up by the forest.</p><p> Vengeance was almost as delicious as justice.</p><p>Even if tiramisu won by far.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>It was after six o'clock – and Bruce was praising his watch to be able to work even with a difference of 800 years - when the Joker returned to the village. Bruce had been back for more than two hours, had settled in just outside of the inn and had decided to talk to the chief of the village. The man, a man in his thirties, unshaved, with brown hair and teeth ruined by poor hygiene, had listened to his plan straight away - probably impressed by the gold coins Bruce had initially lined up on the table.</p><p>Bruce had asked him to round up all the livestock in the village in one of the pens and have them lock their children in their houses. Bruce would camouflage himself high up in an elevated position so that he could keep a careful watch on the livestock and would do so for the three nights before the full moon and on the night of the full moon.</p><p> As he had understood, the "werewolf" had taken sheeps even on normal nights but had never appeared during the day.</p><p>All this information made him particularly suspicious. It seemed more and more likely to him that it was only a man with a dog or a bear or a ferocious beast. But because when the impossible was eliminated, the improbable remained, Bruce didn't rule out the werewolf theory.</p><p>He was questioning the village chief about the villagers and whether any of them had behaved strangely when the Joker emerged from the forest.</p><p>Bruce couldn't help but let a delighted chuckle escape at his sight.</p><p>He was missing a boot - <em>how, why, when</em> - had tousled hair, blood dripping down his cheek, his knife in his hand and torn clothes. A murderous glare danced in his eyes as he stared around him, his eyes narrowing as he spotted Bruce. His hand tightened around his knife and his pace quickened, limping as he dragged his bare foot behind him. Bruce bit his lip so as not to laugh, keeping his face neutral.</p><p>The Joker hobbled to them, his face becoming more and more closed and murderous as he advanced and Bruce trying not to look away and laugh. It must have been fatigue, he thought, but the thought of having left the other one deep in the woods filled him with an ecstatic delight.</p><p>The Joker finally joined them and Bruce finally cracked, a chuckle escaping from his lips. The Joker's furious expression calmed down very, very slightly at the sight of Bruce's amused look.</p><p>He let himself fall on the bench next to them, a silence hovering for a few seconds.</p><p>“I <em>despise</em> you” he finally informed Bruce, his eyes still narrowing in anger. “Just for you to know, I have imagined one hundred and forty-six different ways to kill you. I had time after all. I thought I was cruel, I thought I was vicious, but that's nothing, <em>nothing</em> - compared to leaving an old war companion in the depths of the woods, <em>without a map</em>, <em>without a compass</em> and in 1404 AD. Oh and I gutted a fox. Just to inform you.”</p><p>Bruce slowly nodded and the Joker pressed his lips together, staring at the village chief with his eyes full of lethal promises. He trembled slightly, swallowing with difficulty in front of the homicidal aura of the Joker.</p><p>Bruce was really mobilizing all his will to not laugh.</p><p>“Your boots” the Joker said.</p><p>“Ex- Excuse-me?” the other frightenedly stammered.</p><p>“Your. Boots. Did I fucking <em>stutter</em>?”</p><p>As the other didn't make a move, the Joker suddenly rammed his blade into the table between them - a few millimeters from the man's fingers. The man leapt back with a yelp and the Joker leaned forward, running his fingers along the handle of the blade.</p><p>Bruce didn’t make a move.</p><p>"Lemme be really clear now. You’re gonna gimme those boots or this blade will go right through your heart. Capito? ¿Entiendes? <em>Understood?”</em> the Joker purred; his gaze fixed on the other. “<em><strong>Now !”</strong></em></p><p>The man glanced in panic at Bruce, who shrugged, and quickly took off his shoes, handing his boots to the Joker while shivering. The Joker quickly grabbed them, putting one of the boots on his bare foot with a satisfied sigh, the vicious glare of his gaze subduing slightly. Bruce sighed, slowly opened his purse, slipped a coin towards the village chief.</p><p>“For the inconvenience” Bruce quietly clarified, still a little bit amused after all. “Let's work on the plan we have elaborated.”</p><p>The man nodded slightly, still shivering and throwing not so discreet glances at the Joker whose face had considerably brightened, shaking his new boots as if to test them. He had taken off his shoe and replaced it with the second boot and seemed much less interested in the other two men than in his new clothes.</p><p>“That’s a sign for <em>goodbye</em>” the Joker chimed in a sharp tone. “Au revoir.”</p><p>The man scurried away, almost stumbling as he sped off, and Bruce sighed a second time as all his amusement vanished. He turned towards the Joker.</p><p>“I made a deal with the village chief, the man you just threatened. I am going to set up close surveillance of the livestock so I can spot whoever is stealing the animals” he explained thoughtfully.</p><p>With any luck - and Bruce knew he hadn't been lucky very often - this was the problem the genie wanted them to fix. It would involve a quantum leap and the possibility of getting home as soon as possible. Bruce refused to think about the likelihood that all of Gotham was picturing them missing.</p><p>The Joker sighed.</p><p>“You're lucky I like your traitorous face, otherwise I'd really hate you right now.” He chortled, licking his bottom lip before nodding abruptly. “Alright, you big rodent. I’ll do it too.”</p><p>“Or I could handcuff you in the room.”</p><p>“Oh, please<em> do</em>, for what it had worked so far” the Joker slyly countered, lifting a dubious eyebrow.</p><p>Bruce pursed his lips and didn’t answer. That would be abdicating and would please the other way too much. And god forbid him to do anything that would please the man. The Joker grinned, his grin number 7, the one he used when he was feeling particularly coy and Bruce wondered for a second how he could know such a thing.</p><p>He was spending way too much time with him. No wonder Selina had set an ultimatum – one that had led to their break-up and her departure.</p><p>“Don't be so grim, honeycakes. After all, I’m the one who has been <em>abandoned</em> in the forest and don't think I'll ever forget that, my memories are more organized than this guy in Inception.”</p><p>“Eames?” Bruce asked and if he was smiling a tiny bit no one in Gotham would ever have to know about it.</p><p>The Joker snapped his fingers happily.</p><p>“That’s him !” the Joker nodded thoughtfully. “Never really understood the movie if I must be honest, it required a level of attention that I didn’t want to give.”</p><p>“The ending is controversial.” Bruce agreed, his tiny smile stretching a little bit further on his lips. “I never thought you'd be interested in this kind of movies.”</p><p>The clown gasped with a falsely affronted expression. He shook his head, a hand to his chest as if to protect himself from an imaginary wound and gave Bruce an almost disappointed look.</p><p>“How could you! <em>Of course</em> I’m interested in Nolan’s movies, it’s almost as if the guy and me have a<em> link</em>. I’m not saying that he raised me from perdition, that’s reserved for some American guy with a gun name but I really liked his opinion on me. <em>I’ve gotten an Oscar.”</em></p><p>In front of Bruce’s poker face, the Joker insisted, beaming.</p><p>“An Oscar, Bats. Do you have an Oscar? I don’t think so<em>.”</em></p><p>It was at times like this that Bruce could use his Error 404 tattoo. He nodded slowly, determined to take a look at the medication Arkham advised the Joker to take as soon as they came home. The Joker seemed to see it in his eyes because he shrugged, shaking his head and muttering something about the curse of the fourth wall.</p><p>Right.</p><p>Bruce was really reconsidering the Joker’s usual statement about his sanity. Not mad, yes <em>sure</em>.</p><p>He glanced at the sky, at the night that was beginning to fall and his expression hardened. Tonight, or at least on the day of the full moon, they would catch what was causing the disappearances.</p><p>And the sooner the suspect was identified, the sooner they could return to Gotham.</p><p>Back home.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Review or kudos if you liked it? &lt;3</strong>
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  <strong>Ps : You can find fan art made by the lovely @deadlyduckling on her tumblr and on the tumblr of the fic @the-bat-tales, i will post sneak peak of the future chapters and if you have suggestions for the eras/problems don't hesitate!</strong>
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